


Bon Apetit?

by Calacious



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, The Muppet Show
Genre: Crossover, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Ridiculous
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-14
Updated: 2015-08-14
Packaged: 2018-04-14 15:41:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4570092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Calacious/pseuds/Calacious
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mrs. Norris is going about her normal routine, rousting children who should be tucked safely away in their dorm rooms, when she comes upon a rather strange couple.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bon Apetit?

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction based on characters from the Muppet Show and Harry Potter. I do not own the characters. 
> 
> A/N: AU story featuring Mrs. Norris, Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog. Originally written for a livejournal LAS crossover challenge.
> 
> Just happened upon this, and thought that perhaps I ought to post it here. The world needs more crack!fic. (not really)

She was in her element after dark, when what little light was left in the corridors glinted and bounced eerily off the castle walls as she carefully stalked her prey. Her specialty was first years. They were the easiest to catch after curfew, so few of them were privy of the many hiding places the castle could afford them should they but take the time to look.

She sauntered down the hallway, keeping a sharp eye and an ear out for any students who might be wandering the halls so late at night. She'd alert Filch to them right away, and together, they'd catch the ne'er do wells. They'd be serving detention beneath the gimlet eye of the caretaker and she'd be there to help supervise.

Purring in delight as she imagined the praise she'd receive when she brought in her prey, she arched her back and rubbed it against the cool stone wall relieving an itch that had been bothering her for over an hour now. The sound of a scuffle around the bend in the corridor stopped her mid-scratch. She stopped purring immediately and narrowed her yellow eyes into mere slits as she listened.

"I told you," a strangled voice wafted down the hallway. "Pigs aren't supposed to fly."

"Hmmph," a slightly masculine, yet oddly feminine sounding voice retorted, "if pigs aren't supposed to fly then why does this flight suit match my blue eyes perfectly, hmmm?"

"Argh."

The footsteps of the duo were nearing her, and Mrs. Norris slunk into the shadows, hoping that she'd be able to hide until she knew what she was dealing with. _It wouldn't do to pounce prematurely_ , she surmised, absentmindedly licking a paw and spitting out a stray hair her rough tongue had loosened.

Her heart caught in her throat as the pair rounded the bend of the corner. Her paw suspended in mid-air, Mrs. Norris stood still as a statue as they neared. She daren't even take a breath lest they hear her. She'd never, in the six of her nine lives, seen such a couple. Certain that her seventh life was passing before her eyes; she waited, hoping they'd simply pass her by without noticing her.

A much disheveled and rather ornery looking, Mrs. Norris couldn't believe she was seeing let alone thinking about such fantastical things, blonde-haired pig, and thankfully hairless, yet very green, frog were walking the stony halls of Hogwarts.

"Kermie," the blonde pig was leaning heavily against the frog as she spoke. The blue flight suit Mrs. Norris had heard her speaking of did indeed match her sky blue eyes. "Can't you carry moi?"

The frog sighed, nearly buckling under the distressed pig's weight. "Miss Piggy," he croaked, "maybe it'd be best if I went ahead for help."

The pig's eyes widened in horror and the pair stopped right in front of her. Mrs. Norris gulped and slunk back further into the shadows.

"Kermie, don't leave me," she wailed and Mrs. Norris snorted.

"What was that?" The pig whirled around, looking for the source of the sudden noise.

"I'm sure it was nothing," the frog assured her, patting her arm placating.

Mrs. Norris held her breath, hoping they would not notice her. She chided herself for having made a sound at all. The last thing she needed was for the pig and the frog to realize that they were not alone. What she really needed to do was get to the caretaker posthaste and alert him to the peculiar intruders. Though they seemed rather innocuous, the simpering pig particularly so, it was her sworn duty to protect the sacred halls of Hogwarts from any danger, real or imagined, and she would not be swayed from her duties.

"Oh look Kermie," the pig squealed in what Mrs. Norris could only assume was delight. The sugary tone made her ears ache. "It's a kitty!"

Mrs. Norris' heart stopped for a beat and then began racing. The sound of blood rushing to her head momentarily deafened her to whatever the frog had said in response and her eyes widened in terror as a pudgy hand reached for her.

"Meeooow!" she shouted with all of her might as she backed away, her back meeting solid stone that would not give. She closed her eyes and prayed that the caretaker would find her in time before she was molested by the passionate pig.

"Miss Piggy," the frog's voice sounded as though it was coming from a distance, "I don't think the cat wants to be petted."

"B-b-but," the pig sputtered, "she's a cat, don't all cats like to be petted?"

"Well," the frog deadpanned, "pigs aren't supposed to fly." Muttering, "Neither are frogs for that matter," beneath his breath.

Mrs. Norris was heartened by the frog's protection of her virtue and wondered at the comment about flying pigs. Is that how they'd come to be at Hogwarts? Had the pig made a failed attempt at flying, taking the frog with her against his will?

Sensing that the pig's advances had ceased, Mrs. Norris cracked an eye open and sighed in audible relief at the retreating figures. Taking a moment to compose herself, she licked at her ruffled fur, combing it down before scampering off to find the caretaker.

_Flying pigs and frogs beware_ , she thought as she narrowed her eyes and made her escape, _Mr. Filch is not a man to be trifled with, nor is Mrs. Norris. Kitty indeed._ She bristled at the indignation and hurried off to sound the alarm. Her eyes were two small, seemingly disembodied, beacons of light glowing bright yellow in the darkened corridors of the castle.

She barely noticed the two students, out after curfew. Terrified at the downright voracious look in her eyes, they yelped and ran pell-mell back to their dormitory. Happy, she flicked her tail and smirked. She'd always wondered what roast pig and frog legs tasted like. She licked her lips in anticipation of enjoying the fruit of her labor.

 


End file.
